Fill Your Life With Win!

By Hari Kunzru, 8 December 2009



Top tips for lulzy living with Serena Mimsy-Borogrove, our resident teen success coach and lifestylist:

Prune that profile!

Don’t evah let it get bushy! If we have a winful profile, we take care of it, just like we would a model-hot bod. We all know anons with baggy or browned-out networks, kids who can’t hail aircabs and always get turned back at club doors. We immediately defriend anyone who might damage our credit, cool-rating or security clearance. Most alpha-trending malls pre-deny anyone with pols or impulsecontrolfails in their second or even third order friend rings. If we have high status, why risk it by friending someone who’s a crim or a freesharer?


Oh noez! I just got flagged!

Well honey, it happens to the worst of us. And it’s a serious business. If we can’t access triple-alpha areas, whether they’re retail, workplace or genleisure, our progress in any hi-vis or famer lifepath will be like totally blocked. We immediately contact our status-check provider and pay for a full output, telling us the reason for the flag, its colour, and the organisation which attached it to our profile. In some cases there may have been a simple data mismatch. When it comes to biometric tags, providers may tell us there’s no chance of misrecognition, but that’s not always true. With over 80 trillion datasets in circulation, even the swooshiest software can produce a false positive once in a while. We may have to max out our credit chip to pay the legal fees, but think of the alternative! A life lived in beta-status areas is an economy-size life, and nobody wants one of those.


Oh noez! I just got flagged and I actually did it!

It all depends on what ‘it’ is. Pols, sexcrims and serious impulsecontrolfails are not the kind of kids we want sitting next to us at the slurpie bar, let alone reaching major demographics or creating nextwave cultural products. Medium ICFs, speechcrime and substance abuse can sometimes be finessed if we have a good agent. In many cases our best bet is medication. Showing we have complied with a recognised course of behaviourmod or hormone rebalancing can be persuasive to many corporate compliance panels, particularly if we can provide notarised proof, upskirts or supporting testimony.


Deviant or just Unique?

Which are we? No one wants to be caught having an embarrassing or downward-trending sexperience. Ensure we all win at love by crowdsourcing our sexprefs and only carrying out acts which get more than 40% prior thumbs up from our network. Partner issues? Put it to the vote! Share our lovefails, arguments and fuckyuks widely and we could gain credits and increase status. Sexfamers are bigfamers! Shyness is illness! No one ever made money from not taking it off. Remember, public sex is safe sex!

 Image: Caroline Heron

Bad Genes? No problem!

If we have genefails in our profile and cannot be insured there are still possible routes into win. It’s ok – genefailures don’t all have to perform coltan mining or biohazard cleanup! Why not become a famer through taking extreme risks and posting video on the nets! Military service, particularly in designated pandemic zones, is a tried and tested way of gaining access-credits and health coverage. If our profile suggests we are predisposed to violence or sexcrime, we can still gain entry to many fun and creditworthy lifepaths, particularly in law enforcement. For example Pornotopia Industries offer a lulzy training program which actively potentiates sexcrime genetraits and can lead to regular employment in one of their specialist personal service hubs plus residency in an alpha-alpha-beta rated life and leisure complex (NB: graduation from this program leads to permanent exclusion from most global residential and business zones, with the exception of those on WorldGov’s international redlist and some areas subject to high levels of inundation or seismic trauma. Other terms and conditions apply.)

Serious Polfail

Is someone in our life telling us to share our things, or keep our thoughts to ourselves? Report them immediately! Ideas should be free for all! Only stuff is private. Had an unusual brainwave? Blog it, so it can be commented on, reposted and checked by our network for deviancy. We never know – it could be the start of a new high value trend. Whatever we do, we should never hide our personal data. Privacy leads to lack of uniqueness, poverty and self-harm. Don’t become one of the poors! Poors are invisible and who wants that? We always crowdsource controversial opinions and if we’re in doubt, or just can’t be bothered to take sides, we buy a comment-app to bolt onto our profile. Just check it’s from a reputable company and install away. Most packages also contain automatic alarms to warn us if our profile is trending towards polfail or some other potentially flaggable configuration. Of course if someone we know networks us into any circle tagged as Pol or Antilaw, we have a duty to report within a set timeframe. Failure to comply can lead to enforced invisibility or even offshoring.


Blanks are for shitwork. We can do what we like to them. Though blanks are filled with sexcrime, impulse and biohazard they possess wide-spectrum utility, harvestable organs and rights-free attractiveness – in the rare cases that they are not disgusting and full of fail. If you are a blank, sorry! Your best chance is to be as entertaining and submissive as you can. You are unlikely ever to get inscribed but what do you expect, being born in a yucky floodzone or with those disgusting genetraits! Send us some upskirts or something. Then maybe we’ll let you do sextricks or a little contract sanitation at our workplace ha ha. If we are contacted by blanks who indicate in any overt way their blank status, we have a legal duty to perform ‘the three Rs’. We report the blank to the relevant corporate authorities. We restrain it until help arrives. Then we perform any action required to assist the MOOP (Migrants Out of Place) personnel to redeliver it to the other side of the border. However, if a suspected blank does not make such a statement, we are free to utilise it in whatever way we see fit. Be inventive, people! Invention is the mother of profit.

Being a Famer

Not everyone can be a famer but everyone ought to try. It’s lulzy to maximise our visibility and there are many ways to do it, even if we do not start out bellcurvy or model-hot. Next week at TeenMute, we’ll be exploring famer lifepaths through entrepreneurity, culture vulturisation and camwhoring, while revealing the secrets of ultra-elite yoga and total self-exposure.


Hari Kunzru's <hari AT> latest novel is My Revolutions . He is currently downsizing, mostly in New York